The “Protection” Plan That Wasn't

Why does this page exist? Why am I spending all of this time registering a domain, setting up a bunch of configs on a web provider, fiddling with HTML and whatnot?

Because it dills my pickle being jerked around by a cellphone insurance racket feeling less like protection and more like a violation. So as a public service, I'm writing this to warn folk away from spending hard-earned moolah on what feels like a sham.

I love these flip form factors. I've had the Samsung Flip 4, but Bixby and I had a falling out. So enter the Razr. I like the size, the pocket feel, just everything about it. Marvelous devices these.

And since it's no $50 burner, when the T-Mobile dude suggested I get protection for it for the low, low price of $18/month, it sounded like a deal. The phone breaks, they send you a replacement. Groovy.

So there things were. Months ticked by, premiums got paid, feeling all nice and protected, life is good.

My trusty Razr started to occasionally restart itself. First only a time or two a week, then a few, then more. Clearly something was going on. System update, check. Physical appearance looking good, check. Boy am I glad I have that 360 protection plan!

So it turns out T-Mobile uses Assurant, and these are the folks responsible for the insurance scheme. My first attempt to file a claim was a little confusing.

Firstly, you can't get past the first steps without giving them the "Incident Date". What sort of incident date do you supply for a problem that has, over a few weeks, slowly gotten worse? The start of it, the most recent reboot? I guessed the latter.

A time later, after working through the screens, finally, submit! A little confusing to start, but so far so good.

The next day I get an email, claim rejected. A trip to T-Mobile, a perusal of my account, and a long phone call with Assurant while there seemed to indicate someone had stuck the wrong ID number into the T-Mobile system, and it wasn't agreeing with the one at Assurant. Though I wonder how my phone was activated and working without the correct ID thing? Beyond my pay grade.

The next day, success! Claim accepted. Despite the time wasted at T-Mobile, at least it was getting worked out. Some days later, the delivery arrived.

Glee turned into confusion when I unpackaged the Samsung S21 128GB flat phone they sent. This is a phone with half the storage, won't fold, and threatens to subject me to Bixby again. Things did not end well for Bixby and I. We've had words.

Looking back on that annoying little chat session, he did say "pending equipment availability", which makes one wonder if there may have been a Razr down the road at some point? But since he rambled on about how my premiums might change, and never suggested this was temporary, meethinks this was gonna be a forced pleasure cruise with Bixby for the forseeable future.

And c'mon, a company with a $12 billion market cap and 14,000 employees can't manage to keep last year's Motorola flip phone in stock????

Soooooooo, next step. Back to T-Mobile to try and get some satisfaction.

But, as you may now have guessed, no joy. The jist? Well, and I am paraphrasing here, even though we cajole you into buying this flashy feel-good safety net, we really have nothing to do with it, except maybe collecting a fool-finder-fee. Maybe try calling 611, our customer care line at T-Mobile. They can be "your advocate" in your battle with Assurant.

So now I will segue into a little way of thinking not as common to the younger kids out there. The world, you see, has gone to hell.

Like these phones. It used to be that you'd get a deal on a phone, but only if you signed up for some 2-year plan. That's how they getcha! You may save some bucks on the gadget, but they rake in the long term dough on those sweet, sweet phone plans. Plus you either insure the phone (more sweet sweet bucks), or risk a major expense if it breaks.

Everyone moaned and yelled, so the big bad cellular companies folded and started letting people get away from them multi-year lock-in plans.

But, in reality, they didn't.

Instead, it seemed, you could get a nice deal on a phone and not be locked into a 2-year plan. But the bean-counters set it up so that the juicy discount they gave you would only actually be paid to you over that same bullshit 2-year period. And if you wanted to switch carriers (hey there, competition), they'd burn you for the remaining discount you had not yet earned.

So I call 611, and speak to a sympathetic (sounding) support droid. His first hot take, this is not our problem, take it up with the insurance company plan we pushed on you when we set up your phone. When I explained the circular yanking that seemed to be shaping up, he suggested he'd "do the right thing" and get me a replacement phone.

Finally! Movement!

And that's where support droid turns into sales shil. He suggests that the way this is done is that I could go do a swap of the phone by activating a new phone of the same kind, and that they'd just pay the monthly finance charge for me.

Hmmmm...

So I made sure I was understanding this correctly:

You're suggesting that I take the fully paid off phone that's not working, but that I paid insurance for, that you encouraged me to get, and trade it in for the exact same type of phone. But this new phone doesn't really belong to me, at least for 2 years. I can't sell it, or move carriers with it, because it is not technically paid off yet, even though you are picking up the tab while I stay a loyal T-Mobile customer? So like, lock-in?

Yup, that's the deal. Can't bend you over one way, so lets find another way to get 'er done.

Hrmph.

So, Assurant and T-Mobile, you win this round. If I want to own my phone outright (I know, this is a fogie sentiment), and not be locked in, I have to buy a new one myself. Because your shitty insurance deal probably has some fine-print junk buried under a ton of legal lingo that lets you do that as you wish.

But I have learned my lesson. And if my little tale helps at least one or 2 people avoid this experience, it's been well worth the effort.